If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood
by Hyacinthe Cassiline
Summary: Just a silly citrus flavored, silly, and pervy one-shot from yours truly. Naruto wonders what a woodchuck is and why it chucks wood in the first place.


Well, this little one-shot was inspired by Hidden In The Darkness 15. She asked me the question 'If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?' Well, there would be no issue with that, but then came the question 'What is a woodchuck?' That's when I started getting really dirty ideas. I found the answer to both questions, and have written them here, in case anyone was wondering what a woodchuck is and how much wood a woodchuck can chuck. Hidden In The Darkness 15, I thank and blame you for this idea!

Disclaimer: Puh-lease. If I owned Naruto, don't you think Sasuke would have a better sense of fashion? (Naruto too for that matter.) I mean really. What the hell was Kishimoto thinking when he invented the -shiver- assbow thing? (Also, did anyone else notice that in the first season, during the chuunin exams, that it was the GRASS NINJAS that were wearing the outfit Orochimaru is seen wearing ever since? Sorry, I found that funny.)

Warnings: First of all, this is a **yaoi**. Boy/boy love ahead! Also, a **lemon**. -drools at the though of nekkid **GAYMENZ**- Now, go back and read the bold words. If none of these things please you, please clicky the backy buttony thingy. I don't mind reading flames, but really, if you're going to diss the gaymenz, I will verbally attack you because **I HAVE A WARNING DAMMIT! **So.....yeah. Nipaaaah! Also, I'll warn you for the random sillyness that will be coming your way in a matter of moments. I blame Hidden In The Darkness 15 for acting as a muse and giving me the idea....

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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Better yet, what is a woodchuck? And why in the world does it chuck wood?

I can answer the last question for you.

The woodchuck _likes_ to chuck wood.

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"Sasuke! Get your lazy ass out of bed! Now!" Naruto yelled up the stairs to his sleeping boyfriend, who was _still_in bed. Naruto sighed, knowing he'd probably have to coax a grumpy Sasuke out of bed with the temptation of bacon and eggs.

"Why should I get out of bed? I'm still tired." Sasuke's half asleep voive carried down the stairs to the blonde, who was currently tapping his foot impatiently against the hardwood. "You should bring breakfast up to me."

"Hmm...let me think for a minute. No! Get down here!" Naruto began hiking up the stairs, fully prepared to skip the coaxing and simply drag the raven down the stairs by one of his arms or legs. It all depended on which he reached first. Naruto opened the door to their shared bedroom and lost his glare at the sight before him. Sasuke was still half wrapped in the blue blanket, his hair was disheveled and now resembled Kakashi's, and his cheeks were flushed from sleep. All in all, he looked absolutely adorable. Naruto felt a goofy smile make its way onto his face as he walked toward the Uchiha, who had taken to running his slender fingers through his hair and stifling a yawn with the other hand. He looked almost like a kitten after waking up, though he would never let Sasuke know he thought that.

Naruto reached Sasuke, and as suddenly as the goofy, love-struck grin had settled onto his features, it vanished only to be replaced by a lecherous grin. Sasuke felt himself being lifted forcefully from the bed and carried out of the room by two strong arms. Finally, Sasuke's mind caught up to his body and he began to yell at his blonde captor.

"Put me down, moron! I can walk by myself!" Naruto grinned at Sasuke and completely ignored his words, continuing down the stairs to the kitchen. In a few moments, the two had reached the kitchen and Naruto sat Sasuke down before proceeding on to the stove, where the eggs were nearly done cooking.

Sasuke brooded in his seat and glared burning daggers into the back of Naruto's head. It was then that Uchiha Sasuke had an idea. A marvelous idea. An evil smirk graced Sasuke's featues as he stood and took his t-shirt off, leaving him in only his loose pajama pants, which were threatening to fall off anyways due to how loose they were around his slender hips. He slowly walked up to Naruto and slid his arms around the blonde's waist and bit his shoulder. Naruto groaned at turned in Sasuke's arms, careful not to get too close to the stove's burners.

"Yes, Sasuke?" Naruto smiled at Sasuke, who pouted at Naruto.

"Come back to bed with me."

"Why in the world would I do that when I'm almost done cooking?" Naruto's smile grew wider. Yes, he knew exactly what Sasuke meant, but why not tease him first?

"Because I wasn't done cuddling yet." Sasuke's pout was running at full power and was accompanied by a light blush. "So? Let's go."

"But what about breakfast?" Naruto pouted himself. To say that his pout far out-shined Sasuke's would be a cruel understatement. Sasuke specialized in glares while Naruto specialized in pouts. Naruto was planning on going back to bed anyway, but he would wait until Sasuke started getting really annoyed.

"We can have breakfast later. Cuddle now." Sasuke's voice lowered until it was nothing more than a husky whisper. The raven was determined! He would get Naruto to go back up to bed with him if it was the last thing he did. (Though he sincerely hoped it wasn't the last thing he did, considering the fact that Sasuke wanted to do far more than drag the blonde back up to the bedroom to cuddle a little.)

Naruto feigned his best innocent look and stared Sasuke right in the eye. The blonde would be damned if he made this easy for the Uchiha. "Are you sure all you want to do is cuddle?" Sasuke's eyebrow twitched in response, which effectively threw off his pout. Damn him! He was trying to piss Sasuke off! A glare easily fell into place on Sasuke's face as he let go of Naruto and headed back to his seat before sitting down huffily and turning the chair away from Naruto. If the blonde wanted to play dirty, then he would too.

The blonde figured that was enough teasing. He walked silently to Sasuke and placed both hands on pale shoulders before sliding them down the strong chest to rest on a flat stomach. Naruto kissed Sasuke's neck before licking the shell of the raven's ear. Sasuke shivered in response, but still did not turn to face Naruto.

"Sasuke.....what was that you were saying about cuddling?" Naruto whispered into Sasuke's ear, earning another shiver. The raven scolded his body for betraying his mind. He wasn't truly angry at Naruto, but he wanted to act like it. Needless to say, his body was basically telling Naruto he wasn't angry, and it annoyed Sasuke. "Sasuke, come on....tell me. What were you saying before? Something about 'screw breakfast'? Or maybe 'screw each other senseless before breakfast', or even 'cover me in syrup and lick it all off.' Hmm? Tell me, Sasuke." If Sasuke didn't think his body was a traitor before, he certainly did now. Curse Naruto for having that sexy voice!

Naruto was nowhere near done teasing his boyfriend. He nipped at Sasuke's neck while he slowly ran his hands down the pale chest, only stopping when he reached Sasuke's upper thighs. The blonde proceeded to pull the skin he was nibbling into his mouth and started sucking on it, all the while teasing the skin with bites and licks. Sasuke could not stop the moan from falling through his lips.

Sasuke leaned his head back to give Naruto more access to the skin he was currently teasing. The raven could feel the heat come to a simmer just below his abdomen as Naruto ran his fingers softly over the gathering heat, bringing a moan and a sharp jerk of the hips forward. Naruto licked the spot he had been sucking and biting and gently blew on it, making Sasuke shiver. The blonde's tongue mapped its way to the raven's ear, where it began to lick and suck at the pale earlobe.

Sasuke lifted an arm and ran his fingers through Naruto's hair before using the wild blonde mop to hold the boy attached to it in place. The raven felt the blonde's fingers race gently over the sensitive spot in his lap and Sasuke arched his back slightly, silently begging for more of the gentle caresses. Narutowas happy to oblige. He ran a finger down the raven's length, starting at the tip and making his way down in circles and twists to the base. Sasuke's hips jerked yet again when Naruto's hand vanished.

"N-Naruto...." Sasuke half moaned. He opened his eyes, not realizing he'd closed them in the first place only to have them close again at the slightest brush of fingers against the simmering heat. It was quickly rising to a low boil.

"Mmm...yes, Sasuke? Is there something you would like?" Sasuke growled at Naruto and thrust his hips again when he felt those soft fingers slide over his heat again. The blonde stayed at his ear and dropped his voice to a husky whisper. "Tell me, Sasuke."

"I want you to.." Sasuke gasped when Naruto blew into his ear. "...touch me." Sasuke breathed the words out, long forgetting anything other than the growing arousal and the need to satiate it.

"Your wish is my command." Naruto kept the husky tone of voice and dipped a hand into Sasuke's loose pajama pants, taking a loose grip on Sasuke's already hard heat, earning a moan from the boy attached to it. Slowly and teasingly, Naruto ran his hand up the shaft before pulling it back down. "Like that?" Sasuke moaned in response; he was far past the inability to use words. "Or like this?" Naruto tightened his grip, but did not increase his speed. Sasuke belatedly realized Naruto was still teasing him and stopped all attempts at keeping his hips immobile, allowing them to thrust his heat up into Naruto's hand. The blonde sped his hand up a bit, earning a half moaned version of his own name.

Naruto was using all of his self control to not just flip Sasuke over and take him. The sounds the raven was making were quickly driving Naruto insane with need, and he quickened his pace on Sasuke's shaft while biting down on the pale shoulder before him. Sasuke's hips jerked again and his back arched. Just seeing Sasuke lose his carefully carved control was driving Naruto mad with desire.

Suddenly, Sasuke realized he was being lifted and pushed into a nearby wall and Naruto was grinding his own hips into Sasuke's. The raven opened his mouth to moan and the blonde's lips captured his own and swallowed the sound, Naruto's tongue exploring the wet abyss of Sasuke's mouth. The blonde's hand found its way to Sasuke's hips and pulled him closer while the other hand wove its way into Sasuke's messy black hair. Sasuke wrapped his own arms around Naruto, and began pulling the blonde's shirt off. Soon, the shirt found its way to the floor, where it was completely forgotten.

Naruto broke the kiss and sprinkled kisses down Sasuke's neck to his collar bone, which he licked before he bit. Sasuke thrust his hips forward to meet Naruto's earning a near-yell of ecstasy from both teenagers from the increased friction.

"Naruto.....now." Sasuke breathed out, not trusting his voice. He wanted the blonde, and he wanted him NOW.

"Now what, Sasuke?" Naruto thrust his own hips into Sasuke's, earning a yell of pleasure.

"I....I.." Sasuke didn't want to say it out loud. He wanted Naruto to read his mind. The blonde certainly did it enough to know exactly what Sasuke wanted.

"Yes, Sasuke?" Naruto said as he lowered himself down the raven's pale chest, licking and biting along the way. Finally, Naruto reached his destination and lowered the Uchiha's pants. He breathed onto the head of the heated phallus before him.

"I want you...now." Sasuke gave in at the feel of Naruto's breath flowing over his pleasure. Naruto stood again and gently pulled the pants beck over Sasuke's hips before taking a pale hand and leading him up the stairs. A few moments later, the two reached the bedroom, where Naruto promptly laid Sasuke down and proceeded to pull the raven's pants completely off. Sasuke gasped at the feel of the somewhat cooled air coming into contact with the newly released skin.

"How do you want me Sasuke?" The blonde whispered against Sasuke's hip. The raven growled in response. Naruto's hand found its way to Sasuke's hip bone and held it down before biting down on the opposite bone. Sasuke began panting in anticipation as his skin slowly began to glisten from the sweat building up. A breath of hot air surrounded Sasuke's heat before the blonde's tongue slowly and softly licked the head until it met the slit, where Naruto began to gently suck before lowering his mouth around Sasuke's shaft. The sudden heat earned a full moan from the raven, who slowly ran a hand down to Naruto's face, pushing the blonde locks out of the bright blue, lust hazed eyes before gripping the wild hair and stuttering out another moan.

"G-Guess how I -" Pant, pant, moan. "- want y-you, ge-genius." Sasuke currently didn't care that he was stuttering almost incoherent phrases, and Naruto loved that it was him who had forced the smooth speech to the state it was in now.

Naruto paused his ministrations on Sasuke's phallus before speaking. "I have no idea, Sasuke. That's why I asked." With that, Naruto pulled Sasuke into his mouth, swallowing him to the base. If Sasuke had been about to speak, not only was it long forgotten, but it was swallowed by the loud moan that fell from parted pale pink lips. The raven's back arched and his grip on Naruto's hair tightened. The blonde pulled back, running his teeth up the heated length. Sasuke's entire body writhed, alerting Naruto the Sasuke was close to an orgasm.

"That, Sasuke, is how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood." Sasuke chose to ignore Naruto's words in favor of getting the very thing he wanted. Naruto. Inside him. Now.

Finally, he moved up Sasuke's body, sprinkling kisses up the flat stomach and strong chest until he reached Sasuke's lips. He kissed them gently as his other hand reached to the bedside table, finding a bottle of lube. He coated his fingers generously before deepening the kiss to distract Sasuke.

Slowly, Naruto teased the raven's entrance before sliding a finger in. At first, Sasuke grunted from slight discomfort, then relaxed. Naruto slid the second finger in. Sasuke showed no reaction, but pushed back on the fingers. Naruto added the third finger, and hit Sasuke's prostate with it, earning a yelled version of the blonde's name. Naruto scissored his fingers, effectively stretching the tight muscles around them. Sasuke writhed and squirmed, occasionally brushing against Naruto's own heat, making his shudder and moan.

All too soon, Naruto removed his fingers. Sasuke let out an annoyed growl at the loss of contact before he felt Naruto's heat press against his entrance.

"Was this how you wanted me?" Naruto asked teasingly as he pressed his heat against Sasuke a bit more. Naruto leaned forward to whisper into Sasuke's ear. "Did you want me inside you?"

"N-Naruto....yes." Sasuke pushed his hips back against Naruto, attempting pushing the blonde inside him. Naruto obliged and slowly pushed the head in, immediately feeling the overwhelming heat from Sasuke. It took the rest of his self control to keep himself from slamming all the way into that lucious heat. Slowly, Naruto pushed until he was fully engulfed by Sasuke. A low moan sounded from Naruto's throat as he heatedly locked lips with Sasuke, who took to rolling his hips against Naruto's, earning a louder moan from the blonde, who pulled halfway out before slamming back in.

Sasuke gasped as Naruto began a slow pace of thrusts and looked up to meet Naruto's lust filled bright blue orbs with his own lust filled onyx eyes. The blonde reached for Sasuke's hand and twined it with his own as he continued to thrust into the raven. Sasuke's other hand found its way into wild blonde locks and stayed itself there, wanting to keep Naruto's

"N-ah!-ruto, faster." Sasuke panted and moaned the words out to his blonde lover, who sped up his pace. In what felt like only a few moments, the headboard of the bed was matching Naruto's thrusts as it slammed into the wall. The room was filled with moans, panting, and yells of ecstacy as the two boys headed toward their finishes.

Sasuke gasped. Naruto was everywhere. His scent filled Sasuke's nasal passages, his taste lingered in Sasuke's mouth, the heat from the blonde's tanned skin seeped deep into his own skin, heating him until all he felt was the feverish feel of Naruto's skin on his own. Naruto's hand was clutching his own, while the other was stroking the gathered heat and stroking it into a boiling frenzy.

Naruto moaned, fully enjoying the feel of Sasuke's skin on his own, the way the raven's taste seemingly swallowed the blonde and drowned him in pleasure. The only thing keeping him tied to reality was the very same thing sending him to another planet, and Naruto simply couldn't get enough.

Sasuke felt the heat below his abdomen begin to boil over, and yelled Naruto's name, feeling the bright shimmering white explode before his eyes and feeling his body seize and shake from the pleasure running through every inch of his skin, bringing each nerve ending to life with a sizzling passion. Somewhere in the chaos of his pleasure, Sasuke heard Naruto yell his name, and felt the evidence of Naruto's esctacy explode inside him. Sasuke let out another loud moan as his own esctacy kept him floating on another planet.

Naruto's arms shook with the effort it took to not collapse on top of Sasuke. He was still riding the waves of pleasure and had long since lost control of his body, but he would be damned if he allowed his arms to let him fall on top of the one who threw him for a whirl in the first place. Instead, Naruto angled his body and let it fall just beside Sasuke. They continued shaking and panting for a few minutes.

"So...you want to cuddle now?" Sasuke turned his head and smirked at Naruto, who looked as exhausted as Sasuke felt. Naruto smiled back at Sasuke before wrapping the raven in his tanned arms. "I'll take that as a yes....by the way, where did all that woodchuck oddness comefrom?"

"Well, I overheard a few of the younger academy kids repeating the rhyme to each other when I went to visit Iruka earlier. I guess my inner mind theatre went a little crazy." Sasuke snorted back his laughter, knowing that Naruto was probably about as perverted as both Kakashi and Jaraiya combined, though he'd never say that out loud.

Downstairs, eggs and bacon were long since done cooking, and a silver haired man sat at the kitchen table with an empty plate in front of him, and a book open before his eyes. A light chuckle escaped the man's lips as he silently stood and placed the book back in its designated pocket. Slowly, he turned to the front door and stalked outside, heading home.

A few hours later, Sasuke and Naruto woke up.

Cue freak out on Naruto's part.

"Oh shit! I left the stove on!" Sasuke blinked and Naruto was gone. Sighing, the raven lifted himself from the bed and followed his lover at a normal speed only to find the blonde standing in front of the stove laughing. "There are plenty of times that I curse Kakashi for being so voyeuristic, but at times like this, I love him for it." Sasuke stared at the stove, seeing the now clean twin skillets resting beside the stove, while the stove itself was off. Sasuke looked to the table to see a plate resting on it. He walked over and picked it up, noticing that it had been used.

"We're lucky he's a voyeur." Sasuke smirked and shook his head before depositing the dish into the sink and heading to the refrigerator for new ingredients.

A few blocks away, there was a loud yell and the sound of something crashing.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Come now, love. Calm down. I only asked you a simple question...."

"A simple question? You are so perverted, Kakashi!" Iruka huffed and walked out of the bedroom. He should have known something was up when Kakashi snuck in through the window and didn't molest him straight away.

"I know I'm perverted, but you love it anyways." Kakashi walked up behind Iruka and wrapped his arms around the annoyed brunette. "Besides, I did nothing but state the rhyme. You heard the dirty implications in it."

"That's your fault. Next time don't ask me how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood while you're playing with MY wood."

"It was an honest question. Can we find out the answer?"

"Tell me where the hell you heard that."

"Naruto...and Sasuke....."

Iruka fainted.

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Okay! All done writing this silly little thing. I truly apologize for the randomness. I just got an evil idea and it HAD to be written. I still blame Hidden In The Darkness 15 for the idea. That and the sugar i had in my system. It does truly evil things to my mind. (like this for example!!!!!)

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! There shall probably be more cracksy one-shots on their way. Until then, MEOW!!!!


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